A dreary March morning

It's gloomy and gray outside. The sun is trying to burn through the clouds but it's failing miserably.

I'm sitting at work trying to not bite my nails. I've been going strong for about a week now. It's probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to stop doing.

These past few weeks have been really challenging for me, mentally and emotionally, but I am becoming stronger because of it. I believe that the difficulties in life are intended to make us stronger and better people, not bitter and withdrawn. Unfortunately not everyone can see things that way.

Recently, I chose to walk away from someone that was struggling with his hardships. Someone who withdrew himself when I trying to stretch out a hand of support. Someone who, in my eyes, I had thought and hoped was strong enough to overcome any adversity. Someone who I think I loved.

I've learned over the past few years that unless I get hurt by someone, I take quite a long time to let go and move on. In a sense, I was hurt by this person but apparently not enough to make moving on any easier.

In this situation, I would make myself vulnerable and put my feelings on the chopping block only to be returned with an emotionally unavailable person asking me what I wanted to hear and what he should say.

I would have hoped that after 6 months of getting to know this person, both on friendly and romantic levels, this person would be able to be direct and honest with me and not toy with my mind and emotions like that.

Most of his responses were, "I don't know what to say". I'm sorry but that's a stupid excuse. Your heart always has something to say. I could have cared less if what he said had hurt me. I wanted an honest answer and he wouldn't give that to me which hurt even more.

I have heard it said that some times not feeling is the only way some people can survive. This is how he is looking at life right now. Detaching himself from other people and from his feelings in an attempt to not get hurt again regardless if he is hurting those who care about him.

That's not surviving. That's just a more miserable way of dieing.